learning

The last two weeks have been two of the more difficult weeks I've had since moving out here. School has been stressful with projects and an upcoming recital, I've gone through my routine (it should just be scheduled into my planner) of doubting myself as a musician, I missed two flights, and the culmination of it all was when I landed my car in the shop for a week after hitting a grand canyon- sized pothole. The worst part about it is my reaction to all of this. First I was angry. For instance, right after I hit the aforementioned pothole I sat on the side of the road at 11:30 pm with no cell phone saying accusingly to God "Why would YOU put me in this situation?!" After I got past my anger, I threw myself a nice, big pity party. Really, it's a shame you couldn't make it. (The only guests outside of myself were my parents who had little say in the matter as I called them sobbing like a 2 year old).

I guess the deeper issue of all of this was not the actual events themselves happening to me, but the feeling of loneliness that engulfed me. Out here, though I am slowly getting to know people better, and making friends, I do not have a safety net of close friends and family that I have grown accustomed to in the past. I so badly wanted somebody who I could go to that would understand my frustrations, someone who would care and be there to hug me and ask me what I need.

I am ashamed to say that it took me awhile to realize that I do have Someone who will, as promised, never leave nor forsake me. He is the same Someone who specifically placed all of these things in my life for a special purpose. I imagine that he is saddened that rather than trusting Him for I know that He is a good God, I've dug my heals in resisting any real opportunity for growth. I can also assume that my Creator who loves me so intimately was heartbroken when I wanted comfort from anyone but Him. And what was He thinking when I ask Him to change and grow me every day and He gives me trials (which lead straight to perseverance) that I go through while kicking and screaming? I know if it were me in God's position I'd say "forget you! You are ungrateful, whiney, and you weren't doing all that much to advance my kingdom anyway!" But thankfully for the universe, I am NOT in His shoes. God has dealt with me so drastically different; It was almost a quiet voice that said to me "Trust Me. I want to change you in this, TRUST me." He is gentle, He is loving and His grace is never exhausted. Oh how I love my God, and Oh how I am so undeserving of his kindness to me! So here is to learning, growing, and changing though at times it may come very slowly.

Today

Today I got mad when I got in my car and remembered that my radio isn't working. I wanted to kick something when my computer wouldn't connect to the internet. Today I looked at my closet and wished I had more clothes to choose from. Today I looked in the mirror and wished my hair didn't do weird things. Today I told my dad I wished I didn't have to live paycheck to paycheck.

Today I wore one of my several coats to keep me warm. Today I got in my car and drove wherever I needed to go. Today I ate. Today I drank clean water. Today I took a hot shower. Today I went from one heated building to another. Today I sat on my own bed, in my own room. Today I thought of Haiti, and wondered why them and not me?

Today I remembered that I have more than I could ever want physically, and more than I can ever imagine spiritually. Today I am humbled, because I have so much to give yet have acted like I am entitled to this and more. Today I ask God to change me.

Quarter of the Way There!

Tomorrow I complete my first semester of gradschool upon finishing my last (and only) final. Most people might thing "oh good for you, you're a fourth of the way finished!" and I think "Holy Crap! I'm already a fourth of the way finished!"

As I realize just how quickly this time is going to go by, I can't help but freak out when I consider all that I want to accomplish and how little time I have to do it in! In the next year in a half I want to: compose for orchestra, apply to doctoral programs, have a better idea of what the heck I'm going to do after all of this schooling, become a more confident composer, become more fluent in my composing, created a significant portfolio of works I don't absolutely hate three months after finishing them... yikes. As I list these things off, I really wonder if I'm going to make it!

Three more semesters to become the superstar composer I moved out here to become! Do you think it will happen? Hmm... who knows? What I DO know is that all I can do is work my butt off and trust God for the rest. When my confidence has been shaken so many times this semester, He has been faithful and gentle to remind me that He brought me here for a purpose. Still not sure WHAT exactly, but I must be faithful to the task of being a dilligent student while here so that when He executes his plans through me, I will be prepared. So I have three more semesters to enjoy being in the place that God has me, and make the most of it and not freak out about the end of the journey, because though I see a lot of fog, it is clear as day to the Lord. Jeremiah 29:11.

Not Quite New Years Resolutions

Awhile back I confessed that I am lacking in the department of discipline and made a list of ways I'd like to improve. Since then, I wish I could tell you that I have made great strides in the endeavor to join the ranks of the greats such as my mother, but I'd be lying and I don't want to add another fault to my already long list.

As I have been contemplating the fact that nothing has changed, I realized that perhaps a game plan is in order. Typically things don't just magically get better overnight for me, I usually have to work on them and be disciplined to become disciplined. What a conundrum (actually I don't think that's the right word for this context...). I am not disciplined. I want to be disciplined. In order to be better at being disciplined, I just have to be disciplined, no easy formula-- JUST DO IT.

So here is what I've been thinking. Tackling all of my issues at once might be overwhelming and result in the quickest path to failure. I don't want that, so I've decided to begin with two small steps. I've resolved, for instance to stop spending money on eating out from here until I go home for Christmas. There are a few exceptions, because without a little wiggle room, again I fail miserably. When I am at work I can buy my food at lunch, and the occasional eating out with a friend or what-have-y0u is permissible. What I am trying to do is avoid ordering take-out for most meals which is something I must admit I have resorted to lately. I figure if I take this step, I will not only be spending much less money, I will be eating healthier- Bam! two points on my undisciplined list! The second goal I have set for myself is to stop watching tv. Again, just from now until I go home. I don't know about you, but shutting my brain off for a few hours during the day while I allow mindless, often offensive drivel take over, is my heaven on earth. I haven't watched so much tv since summers during grade-school, and quite frankly I don't like what it is doing to me. Seriously, online tv has been the key to my undoing as I idly sit by and allow my brain melt into mush. Therefore, I must cut it off! Again I have to have wiggle room and that comes in the form of Biggest Loser my current favorite show. I feel that an hour and a half a week can't do too much harm, plus I just love watching those shrinking, happy people! Anyway, I figure I am opening up my time to be more diligent with school work and read more often. I am currently sitting at Barnes and Nobles and am about to buy a few books that I am so excited to read. They include: David McCullough's 1776, and C.S. Lewis' books 'Till We Have Faces' and 'Letters to Malcom'. I am betting that C.S. Lewis might be better for the sharpening of my mind than watching the on-going battle of 'The Hills' idiots. Seriously, do you or have you ever watched that show? It's basically a contest as to who can create the most drama for themselves via the most pointless and shallow relationships.

Well, there you have it, after all the rambling, my two pre-new years resolutions! Notice I am only holding myself to these until Christmas, so hopefully I should be able to stay strong!

Conversation II

Situation- Me working at Starbucks at the register. Customers have an opportunity to use what is called a gold card where they receive discounts on products but can also use them to pay for their stuff, if they have loaded money onto it.

Lady- I'd like two grande lattes, oh yeah and this sandwich.
Me- Okay two grande lattes and a sandwich.
Lady- I'll pay for the sandwich separately. (she then hands me her gold card as well as throw, yes throw some wadded up cash at me)
Me- So will you be paying with the card?
lady- huh?
Me- is there money on the card?
Lady- I don't know, it's not mine.
Me- okay, so then you'll be paying with cash.
lady- checked out of reality, says nothing.
Me- ring her up for the lattes, then proceed to ring the sandwich separately as she's asked. "Okay, you owe $5.13 for the sandwich"
Lady- I already paid for the sandwich.
Me- no you didn't.
Lady- yes I did, I just paid for it.
Me- you said you wanted to ring it separately, so I rang it separately. I didn't even scan it before.
Lady- I gave you the cash for the sandwich not the lattes.
Me- Oh, I thought you said you didn't know if there was money on the card.
Lady- no, I needed to pay for the lattes with the card.
Me- blatantly lying I say "Oh, I'm sorry I was confused."

Wish I could've said"
"oh I'm sorry, you must be confused AND CRAZY!"

My Life for the Gospel

The last few months I have been church shopping in hope to find a place I can call home. Today I may have found that place in Every Nation Church. A few days ago as I was sitting at the Starbucks on my school's campus, I overheard some girls behind me witnessing to another girl. Encouraged and excited, I approached them afterward to tell them how great it was they were sharing the gospel. We got to talking, and I asked them about their churches. One of them talked about Every Nation. I was immediately excited by it because she said the young adults group was going through the book Crazy Love, which is written by Francis Chan, whom I admire tremendously. The fact that the church is about a mile and a half away from my house didn't hurt either. :)

So this morning I was excited and hopeful to try yet another church out, and I am so glad I did. I was actually on time this morning (which, if you know me and my family this is an unfortunately rare occurance) so I got to enjoy all of the worship. The worship was definitely contemporary, with a full-blown band. I could care less about contemporary verses hymns verses whatever else, but what I loved about this experience is people were so excited! More people than not had their hands up, people were clapping and not to a beat, they were clapping as in a round of applause for Jesus, others were dancing and just when my conservative-brought up self was beginning to feel a little bit anxious, the woman leading us in song prayed "in our worship today, we are not chasing after a feeling or emotion, we are chasing after YOU God." This is how I imagine worship should go, considering we are coming before the King of the Universe!

The message today was on missions, as part of a series they have been doing. The pastor spoke on the great commission, reminding us that it is not called the great suggestion. He pointed us to Romans 10 vs 14-15 which say "How then will they call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching? And how are they to preach unless they are sent?"
He reminded us that there are still over 2 BILLION unreached people! Anyway, the fire and the vision of this church was evident in my hour and a half there. This is a vision I can get behind.

In closing, he invited us to stand and say "My Life for the Gospel" if we were serious about making necessary changes in order to live passionately and sold-out for the gospel. I joined many others in standing to say this, so I am committed. I will be writing further on this in future days. But I just wanted to share my excitement in finding what I will hope will be my new home.

Conversations

These are the conversations I have at work (starbucks):

First Scenario: takes place while I am on the bar, making the drinks.

customer- "Why is it taking so long for my frappacino to come up?"
me- "oh, I'm sorry you had a frappacino?"
customer (in a surly voice)- "yeah, it was like six people ago"
me- "I am so sorry sir, I haven't had a cup come through so it must not have been marked. I will make that right now." Then I proceed to give him a coupon which will get him a free drink the next time, as I continue to profusely apologize.
customer- continues to scowl at me and does nothing to try and let me know that he will be okay even though the fact his cup didn't come through had nothing to do with me.

Now, this is the conversation I wish I could have without losing my job:

customer- "why is it taking so long for my frappacino to come up?"
me- "because I'm trying to ruin your day and your life by having you wait 2 and a half minutes longer to give yourself diabetes and by the look on your face, it seems that I have succeeded."

Scenario two: I am again on the bar, there is one other worker who is on the register and there are about 15 people in the store waiting for there drinks.

old lady customer- "Is it normal to have to wait this long for a drink?"
me (a little taken aback)- "um, well, uh I'm not sure?"
old lady customer- "Yeah, I've been waiting and waiting for my drink."
me- "I'm very sorry ma'am, I am new so I think I'm not quite as fast as some of the other baristas here."
old lady customer- "well you should ask for help, then."
me-silence.

Conversation wish I could've had.

old lady customer- "Is it normal to have to wait this long for a drink?"
me- "what's 'normal'? we all define it differently, and frankly I think it's relative in this case, considering all of the different variables at play- # of workers, # of people in the store, # of people slowing down the process of drink-making by having pointless conversations with the barista..."
old lady customer- "Yeah, I've been waiting and waiting for my drink."
me- "well that usually happens when you're not the only one inhabiting the planet and 15 other people also wanted a drink tonight too."
old lady customer- "well you should ask for help, then."
me- "look around, pretty lady, there are only two workers here so unless you are willing to come back here and help me, looks like I'm on my own!"

People are SO cranky when it comes to their caffeine!