What right do I have?

Tonight when I was working at Uno's, I felt my rights were violated. Namely, my right to be respected. Even though I don't particularly love my job at the restaurant, I do work hard. I put in my two weeks notice earlier this week, but I made a conscientious effort to not allow that to affect my work performance. Despite that, one of my co-workers seemed to be really short with me tonight. Her tone with me was often exasperated, and at one point made a comment insinuating I wasn't working hard. Because I try to do a good job at work, and because I never liked to be talked down to, I got upset and eventually snapped at her. Of course she didn't appreciate my snide remark to her, and in turn got upset at me. Well, after I walked away from our exchange I immediately began feeling guilty. I denied a perfectly good opportunity to be loving to her. And then I began thinking, when does Jesus call me to love others? Always! Not just when they are being lovable. Anyone can do that, but it is by the Grace of God that we believers are able to love those who are particularly difficult to love. When does Jesus call me to defend my pride? Never! Jesus, the King of the Universe was disrespected and hated by his own people. I was spoken to a little bit rudely, and not even for a noble cause like the gospel. Yet, I could not set aside my pride in the moment in order to treat her as Jesus would. I see a pattern in myself where I have become much more assertive with people. I've been thinking about all of the times I have come away from a situation proud of myself for the sharp comeback I came up with, or the increased ability to stand up for myself. The importance of defending myself has grown while the importance of my showing Christ's love has faded into the background. Anyway, as I was seating tables tonight the Lord was gently bringing much of this to my attention. He was reminding me that my unbelieving co-worker has no choice but to respond to the flesh, but I am empowered by the Holy Spirit to overcome it. I eventually apoligized to her, and thankfully she was gracious to forgive me. I just want to not have to apologize, but to love others no matter how hard it is, or how much it hurts. Isn't that what Jesus does for us every moment of this life?

My Beautiful God

I love those experiences (which don't come often enough for me) when I am completely blown away by God, and yesterday I had one while reading my bible. I was reading Hebrews chapter 4, a passage I must have read a hundred times, but still something clicked for me yesterday. In verse 13 we are told "And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account." It is unbelievable to me that there are struggles I have that I am ashamed to tell friends or family about, because I am afraid of what they might think. Yet God, the King of the Universe who gave me physical and eternal life never turns His face away, and somehow I don't have a problem with that. This truth alone hits me like a ton of bricks, but it gets so good as you keep reading in chapter 4. Verses 14-16 go on to say

Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

I am vile, and disgusting and I very often blatantly betray my Father, without a thought. How can He sympathize for me? He knows first hand what I go through when I am tempted, and wants me to come to him with confidence to receive mercy from him. God is not disgusted with me, He is not annoyed, He is not mad at me. He sympathizes with my plight, because he knows I am weak, and He wants to reach out to me. The One true God is vastly different from the god many people in our culture perceive. He is not sitting far away looking His nose down at us, just waiting for our next wrong move in order to count it against us. No. He invites us to his throne in full confidence that he will lavish upon us mercy and grace. This is my God, the Living God. He owes me nothing, yet gave me everything. I, in return, owe Him everything but have such a difficult time releasing my clinched fists. Oh that this truth would be so ingrained in my heart every day that I would never be bored of it again! That it would never become common to me, rendering me complacent. The Grace of God is something I would like to live the rest of my lifetime on this earth, trying to better understand, for there is nothing more beautiful.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today is my mom's birthday, and I am the most homesick I've been since getting here. I baked cookies tonight and they turned out flat, misshapen and in need of about a pound of salt When my mom bakes cookies, they always turn out wonderfully. It doesn't matter if we both bake the exact same recipe, with the exact same ingredients, at the exact same time, with the exact same oven (point is all variables are the exact same) her's will without fail, be better. She seems to always contest this, but she's just being modest. And it's not just her cookies. She makes all sorts of wonderful, delicious things the way no other mom I know does. Tonight I wish I were eating her cookies in her kitchen. (of course she'd have had to bake them yesterday since it's not fair to make her bake on her birthday)

But as far as my mom goes, being a great baker is just the tip of the iceberg. Everyone jokes about the dread of inevitably turning into their mom. For me, with the exception of perhaps yawning at the same decibel level as my mom, there are so many things about her I'd like to be. My mom is disciplined like no one I know, faithful, and has an amazing servant's heart. She loves her neighbors and is often looking for ways to reach out to them. She doesn't allow intimidation keep her from sharing her faith with those needing to hear it, from the janitor at her school to the ladies on our street. My mom has taught me so much about what it means to be a good wife just by her example. If I one day get to be married, I hope to be half as good of a wife as she is to my dad. (my dad's a good husband too, but that's for another post, perhaps on Feb 9th) My mom loves him so much and it shows in the way she serves him, respects him and laughs at his lame jokes. (just kidding dad!) As far as my mom and my relationship goes, we have been growing really close lately. I call her all of the time, and she doesn't seem to get sick of me. She lets me talk on and on about whatever mundane thing happened to me, and somehow finds a way to act enthusiastic about it. She is someone who I always can go to for advice, support and encouragement.

Anyway, all that to say I am homesick today and wishing I were home to give my mom a long hug and eat her chocolate chip cookies.

Discipline

So here it is, the much anticipated (by me) post on discipline. If I had a genie who could grant me a wish, I'd wish for discipline. And therein lies the problem, I'd like to instantly have discipline and not have to work for it. I often think about how much easier my life would be if I were only disciplined, and consider all I could accomplish if only I were characterized by this trait. As if I have no choice in the matter! As if being undisciplined just happened to me one day when I wasn't paying attention. Well the more I have been thinking about it, the more I am convinced that I don't have to dislike myself for not being as disciplined as I'd like. I can simply work on it; a brilliant concept if I do say so myself! And that's the plan, that I will work hard for discipline, because it is truly a virtue. The Proverbs 31 woman is disciplined, why shouldn't I be?

Now I will list the reasons, mainly for myself as to why it is worth fighting for discipline so I can come back to them when I am tempted to not be disciplined:
- Discipline My Time

• Spend more time with God. The most important thing I can do with my life, and yet the thing I probably neglect the most as sad as that is. I want my time with God each day not even to be an option. I want to have fewer days that I look back on in regret because I watched the Office, but didn't crack open my bible or pray.

• Spend more time on my music. I pretty much work on my music on a daily basis, but there is always more I can do: listen to more music, look at scores and of course, compose.
  

• Read more. I love to read, and there are so many books I want to read, but I just often don't carve out the time to do it as much as I'd like.-

-Discipline My Spending! I feel like I am sitting on the sidelines helplessly as I watch my bank account drain, and though there are many justifiable expenses that are causing the drainage, I could probably slow the inevitable down if I didn't feel I need a Starbucks coffee everyday. ( there is one sitting next to the computer now, but at least I used some loose change to pay for it!)

-Discipline the Way I Eat! I can't tell you how many days I have had 5 mini candy bars for lunch. Seriously, my roommate has a HUGE bag of candy and sometimes I don't want to take three minutes to make a sandwhich so I eat what's already prepared and sitting in front of me. Yikes, talk about the freshman 15 except I'm not a freshman, but that doesn't make an extra 15 pounds any prettier. Anyway it's not just about me not wanting to gain weight, but being healthy and treating my God-given body well.

-Discipline My Thoughts! Oh it's so easy to allow my thoughts to wander when I'm anxious, doubting or what-have-you. This also goes along with praying more.


So, this is a huge undertaking. I mean, I have a lot to get disciplined on! And I know that I will not perfect these things, as I am nowhere near being close to perfect, but even writing down my goals for myself and you to see is a step in the right direction, I think. It's time for me to put my 'good intentions' into action! I will perhaps blog about my future successes and tribulations so you can keep me accountable...


-

My disease (or sin, either way you want to look at it)

I am writing this blog in the middle of the day, which for me is usually something I tend to feel guilty about, since I haven't yet touched my homework or my music today. However, in my research class yesterday, my professor said in order to develop our writing skills, we need to commit to writing 15 minutes a day. So I am fulfilling my academic obligations.

So I have to admit, I have been struggling with a lot of self-doubt lately, and by lately, I mean all my life. I was diagnosed in high school with a severe case of impostor syndrome. I think I've had it all of my life, but didn't know it until a teacher my junior year said the term that so adequately describes my condition. If you don't know already, impostor syndrome is the feeling of being a complete and total fake when you are among peers who are in your same field. My earliest memories of it began in high school when I was taking the advanced classes. I was afraid to ever open my mouth in class for fear I would be found out as the fake I was. Now, I am surrounded by musicians who I am certain, if they spend enough time with me, will figure I paid someone off to get accepted here. It's a real problem, and I have admitted it so I am on the road to recovery, right?

I want to defeat this awful ailment, because it keeps me from doing so much. I don't like saying too much, because eventually something stupid will come out, I don't want other people to look at my music, and don't even get me started on the possibility of sending my music into a competition. Not only does impostor syndrome keep me from growing in my studies here, it is just selfish. I end up spending so much time thinking about myself because I am so afraid of what others might think of me. It might come across as humility, but really it is pride. I want so much for others to esteem me highly, that if I think there is a possibility they won't, I shut myself off completely.

Also, I am not remembering to trust the Lord in all of this. I don't know why, but I believe He brought me here to pursue music. He wants me to thrive and learn all I can, but I am hindering myself from doing that because I am so afraid of what people think of me. If only I let go of my inhibitions and trusted the Lord, maybe I would be surprised at all I could learn and the skills I could cultivate. Skills I want to use to honor the Lord. I know I am not honoring God in my fearfulness, so my pledge is to take my thoughts captive and pray when I am tempted to turn into my usual defeatist self. Alright, so I have a plan to overcome impostor syndrome... next post I will work on my discipline (or lack thereof)!