learning

The last two weeks have been two of the more difficult weeks I've had since moving out here. School has been stressful with projects and an upcoming recital, I've gone through my routine (it should just be scheduled into my planner) of doubting myself as a musician, I missed two flights, and the culmination of it all was when I landed my car in the shop for a week after hitting a grand canyon- sized pothole. The worst part about it is my reaction to all of this. First I was angry. For instance, right after I hit the aforementioned pothole I sat on the side of the road at 11:30 pm with no cell phone saying accusingly to God "Why would YOU put me in this situation?!" After I got past my anger, I threw myself a nice, big pity party. Really, it's a shame you couldn't make it. (The only guests outside of myself were my parents who had little say in the matter as I called them sobbing like a 2 year old).

I guess the deeper issue of all of this was not the actual events themselves happening to me, but the feeling of loneliness that engulfed me. Out here, though I am slowly getting to know people better, and making friends, I do not have a safety net of close friends and family that I have grown accustomed to in the past. I so badly wanted somebody who I could go to that would understand my frustrations, someone who would care and be there to hug me and ask me what I need.

I am ashamed to say that it took me awhile to realize that I do have Someone who will, as promised, never leave nor forsake me. He is the same Someone who specifically placed all of these things in my life for a special purpose. I imagine that he is saddened that rather than trusting Him for I know that He is a good God, I've dug my heals in resisting any real opportunity for growth. I can also assume that my Creator who loves me so intimately was heartbroken when I wanted comfort from anyone but Him. And what was He thinking when I ask Him to change and grow me every day and He gives me trials (which lead straight to perseverance) that I go through while kicking and screaming? I know if it were me in God's position I'd say "forget you! You are ungrateful, whiney, and you weren't doing all that much to advance my kingdom anyway!" But thankfully for the universe, I am NOT in His shoes. God has dealt with me so drastically different; It was almost a quiet voice that said to me "Trust Me. I want to change you in this, TRUST me." He is gentle, He is loving and His grace is never exhausted. Oh how I love my God, and Oh how I am so undeserving of his kindness to me! So here is to learning, growing, and changing though at times it may come very slowly.

Today

Today I got mad when I got in my car and remembered that my radio isn't working. I wanted to kick something when my computer wouldn't connect to the internet. Today I looked at my closet and wished I had more clothes to choose from. Today I looked in the mirror and wished my hair didn't do weird things. Today I told my dad I wished I didn't have to live paycheck to paycheck.

Today I wore one of my several coats to keep me warm. Today I got in my car and drove wherever I needed to go. Today I ate. Today I drank clean water. Today I took a hot shower. Today I went from one heated building to another. Today I sat on my own bed, in my own room. Today I thought of Haiti, and wondered why them and not me?

Today I remembered that I have more than I could ever want physically, and more than I can ever imagine spiritually. Today I am humbled, because I have so much to give yet have acted like I am entitled to this and more. Today I ask God to change me.