My disease (or sin, either way you want to look at it)

I am writing this blog in the middle of the day, which for me is usually something I tend to feel guilty about, since I haven't yet touched my homework or my music today. However, in my research class yesterday, my professor said in order to develop our writing skills, we need to commit to writing 15 minutes a day. So I am fulfilling my academic obligations.

So I have to admit, I have been struggling with a lot of self-doubt lately, and by lately, I mean all my life. I was diagnosed in high school with a severe case of impostor syndrome. I think I've had it all of my life, but didn't know it until a teacher my junior year said the term that so adequately describes my condition. If you don't know already, impostor syndrome is the feeling of being a complete and total fake when you are among peers who are in your same field. My earliest memories of it began in high school when I was taking the advanced classes. I was afraid to ever open my mouth in class for fear I would be found out as the fake I was. Now, I am surrounded by musicians who I am certain, if they spend enough time with me, will figure I paid someone off to get accepted here. It's a real problem, and I have admitted it so I am on the road to recovery, right?

I want to defeat this awful ailment, because it keeps me from doing so much. I don't like saying too much, because eventually something stupid will come out, I don't want other people to look at my music, and don't even get me started on the possibility of sending my music into a competition. Not only does impostor syndrome keep me from growing in my studies here, it is just selfish. I end up spending so much time thinking about myself because I am so afraid of what others might think of me. It might come across as humility, but really it is pride. I want so much for others to esteem me highly, that if I think there is a possibility they won't, I shut myself off completely.

Also, I am not remembering to trust the Lord in all of this. I don't know why, but I believe He brought me here to pursue music. He wants me to thrive and learn all I can, but I am hindering myself from doing that because I am so afraid of what people think of me. If only I let go of my inhibitions and trusted the Lord, maybe I would be surprised at all I could learn and the skills I could cultivate. Skills I want to use to honor the Lord. I know I am not honoring God in my fearfulness, so my pledge is to take my thoughts captive and pray when I am tempted to turn into my usual defeatist self. Alright, so I have a plan to overcome impostor syndrome... next post I will work on my discipline (or lack thereof)!